Sherlock Holmes modern adaptation but the main characters (Sherlock, Watson, Mrs. Hudson, Irene Adler, and maybe even Lestrade) are all vampires and they’ve just been doing their thing since the time period of the original books
Irene gets to be from New Jersey like she is in canon and she’ll occasionally show up and help Sherlock with a case but they don’t ever date or hook up or anything
OR… Lestrade isn’t a vampire, but there’s been generations of Lestrades, and they all have to deal with this guy
the latest one isn’t even a cop she works nights at the 7-11 and Sherlock keeps coming in at 2am to slam two gallons of Monster Energy and ask her what what the fuck an “amogus” is (it’s case related) and tell her how much better she is at lateral thinking than her tragically straightforward ancestor and also is her girlfriend still going to school to be a defense attorney, how’s she handling the workload
okay, but who turned them and when? bc there is a lot of delicious angst and goofiness to be exlored if say:
irene has kids before being turned and is invested in her descendants
john was already with mary and has to see her age and pass
mrs. hudson is the vampire queen
the lestrades are like. the opposite of the vanhelsings. generational disinterest in vampires, but the holmes enclave keeps roping them back in.
1) Irene adopts and yes she is The Cool Grandma for generations of children forevermore
2) Mary is also a vampire, she got turned at the same time as John, she and Sherlock have Wine Wednesdays every third Saturday of the month
3) Mrs. Hudson is immortal but she’s not a vampire and nobody can figure out what her deal is
4) absolutely 100% correct
whenever anybody asks how they got turned the response is something along the lines of “that was like. Over five years ago. How do you expect me to even remember that.” or “idk man I just woke up like this” or “got bitten by a mosquito on a case” and it’s never the same twice
Yes the Sherlock Holmes books exist and whenever they’re brought up Watson gets very upset that this dude stole his writing and considers him his archnemesis despite the fact that Doyle is a totally normal human and dead as hell
imagine Watson’s frothing rage at the Doyle estate insisting Holmes can never be shown having emotions. like he didn’t personally watch Sherlock weep during the moon landing.
Holmes and Watson are embroiled in a legal battle against the Doyle estate and have been for almost 100 angry, angry years
this is only ever mentioned in passing for comedic effect
Okay, but consider
The Problem (Aka Sherlock Holmes) doesn’t hit ALL The Lestrades, only those that Holmes can rightfully refer to as “Inspector Lestrade”.
Obviously, police inspectors and detectives are affected by The Problem (as family lore refers to Holmes) but, like, subsequent generations have learned how loose the definition is.
Our latest Lestrade, let’s call her Billie, gets called up by her boss one day, and her boss is like “hey, Corporate says somebody at the store needs to know about health regulations and stuff. If you take a couple night classes and get this certification, we’ll give you a bonus on your next paycheck, and one of your jobs will be to sign off that we don’t have mold everywhere”. And Billie is like “Sure, sound good, whatever” and goes to the night classes and takes the test at the end and the tired bureaucrat who runs the course is like “Okay, congratulations, you’re now a Certified Health And Hygiene Inspector (Class D-Small Retail Food Storage and Service)” And Billie just freezes and is like “Ummmm, is it possible to get something different? Maybe I can be a Health and Hygine Expert?
And the bureaucrat is like “No, you passed the test, you’re now a Certified Health and Hygiene Inspector (Class D- Small Retail Food Storage and Service)” And Billie is just SWEATING as she leaves the building, because she knows about The Problem, but maybe this wouldn’t count? Like, it’s not like she works for the government or anything. It’s just a dumb piece of paper that says she’s allowed to fill out other dumb pieces of paper. That can’t count. It’s not like her JOB changed or anything.
But, as soon as she steps out into the night and makes her way to the Bus stop, a slim figure steps out of the shadows and falls into step next to her. “Ah, Inspector Lestrade, congratulations on the promotion. I have a few questions for you about-” And Health And Hygiene Inspector (Class D- Small Retail Food Storage and Service) Billie Lestrade repeats the three words that have become motto and mantra for her family. “Go Away Holmes”.
Health And Hygiene Inspector (Class D- Small Retail Food Storage and Service) Billie Lestrade: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.
darcy doesn’t sing a single note even during conversations where everyone else is singing at him that is until the argument following his first attempt at proposing to lizzy where you can see his restraint fall away
his first big solo is the letter he writes her
gelsey bell is mary and the unofficial narrator and she sits down at her piano to describe whats going on but before she can ever reveal her feelings on the matter, starting with that gelsey bell scream, mr bennet comes over and does the whole ‘that’s nice dear but give someone else a turn’
mr wickham has this huge ballad about how darcy ruined his life and its super melodramatic and touching
mr collins proposal to lizzy is an absolute bop that he gets so into he forgets for a moment what he’s doing he’s just owning the stage
wickham has a song where he’s trying to seduce lydia but she’s not even listening she’s just monologuing about how excited she is to get laid
during darcy’s second proposal he keeps hesitating waiting for lizzy to interrupt him like she has done every time before but she doesn’t say anything until he’s finished
at the end mary sits down at the piano and right where she’d usually be interrupted, kitty joins her and harmonises
jane and bingley have the adorable upbeat romantic duet which is just them being super polite like ‘oh so nice to have you here’ ‘so nice to be here’ interspersed with their inner monologue which is just them being like fucking jesus I’m so in love
the bingley sisters probably have a really cool mean solo
lady catherine has this terrifying disney villain song in the garden
After traveling abroad, Dev (Aziz Ansari) returns to New York to take on challenges in his personal and family life, a new career opportunity, and a complex, developing relationship with someone very meaningful to him.
Michael McCarthy: You’re the face of SPC ECO today, being that you’re the only one pictured in the promo photos and such. Were there always photos of you ever since SPC ECO started or did you prefer not to be seen initially? If you deliberately weren’t pictured early on, at what point did you decide to change that and what prompted the change?
Rose Berlin: I’m in the photos because dad didn’t want to be in them. Dad is old and fat now so probably best he stays in the shadows..lol!
Today the Department of Extraordinary Embroidery is checking out the work of Maryland-based photographer and textile artist Emma Mattson. She uses felt, thread, and french knots to create pieces of embroidery that look like botanical specimens, sometimes finished with pieces of fake moss or lichen to make them appear even more lifelike.
How do you
in Nonnyland? Here we are having a very hot and uncomfortable summer, but thankfully
in the last few days we have been blessed with a delicious cool breeze.
It pains me
to see you so concerned about Miss Swift’s reputation. How immensely thoughtful you are to take such pains in
enquiring about a young lady that is merely a passing acquaintance of yours.
But fear
not, my friend, because I can assure you that the situation is not as dire as
it sounds. It’s true that a few weeks ago, when we first learned that Ms. Swift
had eloped with Mr. Hiddleston, we all believed they were going straight to Gretna Green to get married.
We later knew that their travels had taken them elsewhere, and our concern for
Miss Swift’s safety grew every passing day.
However, I happen
to know now from very reputable sources that Miss Swift’s family and friends
are taking every possible measure to see this situation arranged without delay. In fact, as I write to
you Mr. Swift has send a relative of his entire confidence to London, in search
of Miss Swift and Mr. Hiddleston; and this relative has promised he will not
return until he has seen them properly married.
I can
confide in you, my dear Miss Nonny, that I have the firm conviction that the
issue will be resolved soon in the most satisfactory way. After all, Miss Swift
is a very accomplished young lady: not only is she sufficiently beautiful, sweet
and sensible; she has also had the benefit of a good education, being well
versed in all the arts, but especially in music, singing and dancing. And let
us not forget that she has an income of seventy million a year, and very likely
more! Any young man, from London or from the countryside, would call himself
lucky to join in matrimony a young lady of such excellent prospects.
But perhaps
your concern on the matter comes from your mistrust of Mr. Hiddleston’s
character. To this I must again answer you with reassuring words. Although I
don’t have the pleasure of being acquainted with the gentleman in person, every
report I’ve had of him and his family has been impeccable. In case you haven’t
heard it already, I must let you know that the young man attended Eton College in
his youth; and then Cambridge University, where he became greatly versed in the
Classics. Besides, he has a sizeable income of his own, which dispels those alarming
rumours of him being a fortune hunter that some uncouth people have been
spreading all around the country. All of his acquaintances speak wonders of his
gentle humour and amiable character, and I have to say that he would be the
last man in England of whom I would expect a villainy of any kind.
Undoubtedly,
a gentleman of such high character and respectability would never have the
audacity of taking a lady away from her friends and family without the
intention of making her his wife. Under this circumstances the elopement can
only be due to a moment of foolishness and, I dare say, an excess of passion, that I am sure will be placated as soon as they
are properly joined in Holy Matrimony.
I sincerely
hope this letter will find you well, and I expect it will also quench all your
fears. I will pass your kind regards to Mrs. Swift, who, despite being justly concerned
about her daughter’s welfare and respectability, shares with me and with all of
her friends the undying hope that this unfortunate
adventure will end very soon in the most satisfactory way.
You must
promise to visit the next time you’re in Spain. I trust that the situation will be
resolved by then and we will be able to raise a glass to the health of the
newly married couple.
My duty to
all your family, and especially to your dear aunt Mrs. Incognito.
And in a moment, I want you to go straight down to your cabin and lock the bathroom door on your side. When next door starts hammering, you can negotiate. When you get to Immigration, keep your eyes wide open, look as if you know where you’re going. You have to think like an American. You’ll feel so homesick that you’ll want to die, and there’s nothing you can do about it apart from endure it. But you will, and it won’t kill you. And one day, the sun will come out you might not even notice straight away—it’ll be that faint. And then you’ll catch yourself thinking about something or someone who has no connection with the past. Someone who’s only yours. And you’ll realize that this is where your life is.
Actress Lupita Nyong’o attends the opening ceremony and premiere of “La Tete Haute” during the 68th annual Cannes Film Festival on May 13, 2015 in Cannes, France.
