some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
“Do you want a frozen banana?” No, but I want a regular banana later; so yes.
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say, “Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!
“
A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s not really an emergency brake. It’s an emergency ‘make the car smell funny lever.’
If you find yourself lost in the woods: fuck it. Build a house. “Well I was lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
I bought a house, it’s a 3-bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Like fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has a oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is in that guy’s house. Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
When spring unfolds the beechen-leaf and sap is in the bough,
When light is on the wild-wood stream, and wind is on the brow,
When stride is long, and breath is deep, and keen the mountain air,
Come back to me! Come back to me, and say my land is fair!
When Spring is come to garth and field, and corn is in the blade,
When blossom like a shining snow is on the orchard laid,
When sun and shower upon the earth with fragrance fill the air,
I’ll linger here, and will not come, because my land is fair!
When Summer lies upon the world, and in a noon of gold
Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves the dreams of trees unfold,
When woodland halls are green and cool, and wind is in the West,
Come back to me! Come back to me, and say my land is best!
When Summer warms the hanging fruit and burns the berry brown;
When straw is gold, and ear is white, and harvest comes to town;
When honey spills, and apple swells, though wind be in the West,
I’ll linger here beneath the Sun, because my land is best!
When Winter comes, the winter wild that hill and wood shall slay;
When trees shall fall and starless night devour the sunless day;
When wind is in the deadly East, then in the bitter rain
I’ll look for thee, and call to thee; I’ll come to thee again!
When Winter comes, and singing ends; when darkness falls at last;
When broken is the barren bough, and light and labour past;
I’ll look for thee, and wait for thee, until we meet again:
Together we will take the road beneath the bitter rain!
Together we will take the road that leads into the West,
And far away will find a land where both our hearts may rest.
”
– ‘The Ent and the Entwife’, sung by Treebeard to Merry and Pippin. Though the Entwives were gone, Tolkien writes that there would be “no re-union in ‘History’ – But Ents and their wives being rational creatures would find some ‘earthly paradise’ until the end of this world; beyond which the wisdom neither of Elves nor Ents could see’”. (Letters of JRR Tolkien, Humphrey Carpenter, Letter 338, June 1972). A pleasant thought. Two Towers, Treebeard.
“Sing all ye joyful, now sing all together?
The winds in the free-top, the winds in the heather;
The stars are in blossom, the moon is in flower,
And bright are the windows of Night in her tower. Dance all ye joyful, now dance all together!
Soft is the grass, and let foot be like feather!
The river is silver, the shadows are fleeting;
Merry is May-time, and merry our meeting. Sing we now softly, and dreams let us weave him!
Wind him in slumber and there let us leave him!
The wanderer sleepeth. Now soft be his pillow!
Lullaby! Lullaby! Alder and Willow! Sigh no more Pine, till the wind of the morn!
Fall Moon! Dark be the land!
Hush! Hush! Oak, Ash, and Thorn!
Hushed be all water, till dawn is at hand!”
— Sung by the Elves of Rivendell following the return of Bilbo Baggins of his quest, Untitled, The Hobbit, The Last Stage. (via tolkienmatters)
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