some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
“Do you want a frozen banana?” No, but I want a regular banana later; so yes.
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say, “Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!
“
A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s not really an emergency brake. It’s an emergency ‘make the car smell funny lever.’
If you find yourself lost in the woods: fuck it. Build a house. “Well I was lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
I bought a house, it’s a 3-bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Like fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has a oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is in that guy’s house. Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
This entry was posted by jbc on Saturday, August 31st, 2019 at 6:02 am and is filed under Tumblr.
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