There’s a point where reality gets so absurd that it subverts any possible effort to parody it. I’m not sure what the people at The Onion are going to do with this. In the meantime, Philosoraptor has a nice treatment of the latest insanity: Still more irrelevant and dishonest rationalizations for the wiretaps:
The short version:
Q: Isn’t this illegal?
A: We have to move FAST to stop the terrorists!
Q: But can’t you get retroactive warrants?
A: Yes, but we have to move faster than that! The president’s approach allows him to actually act so quickly that he travels backward in time to thwart the enemies of freedom!
Q: Since the president has non-zero mass doesn’t that violate the laws of physics?
A: The president was granted the authority to violate the laws of physics by the authorization to invade Afghanistan.
Q: Doesn’t that not make any f*cking sense whatsoever?
A: We cannot discuss any aspect of this or any other matter because it will compromise national security.