For a number of years now I’ve worked as a programmer, or to give it its fancier name, as a software engineer. I didn’t train professionally for that job. I studied political theory (mostly) along with some history and archaeology in college. When I’ve applied for jobs as a programmer I’ve needed to rely heavily on the “or equivalent experience” clause in order to qualify.

It turns out, though, that you can acquire an engineering mindset without formal training. The job itself inculcates a certain set of attitudes, certain tools and approaches.

One thing it teaches bigtime is a tendency to want to use functional decomposition. What I mean is, when presented with a complex problem that at first appears insoluble, it can sometimes help to try to break it down into smaller pieces. That’s the first impulse I had when reading your ask. So let’s do that: break it down into its constituent pieces.

i’d do anything to have your url

This phrase seems to come up a lot in the URL requests I’ve received. Over time I’ve come to realize that it must be a popular figure of speech with younger people today. As an older person less-familiar with that usage, I’m inclined to interpret it literally, which makes me immediately want to ask, “Really? Anything? You’d literally do anything to have the ‘lies’ Tumblr URL?”

what do you want in exchange for it?

The fact that your own Tumblr URL is “slaive” leads to a fairly chilling idea: Would you literally sell yourself into slavery in return for the ‘lies’ Tumblr URL? I know human slavery has been outlawed most places, though I also know that things depressingly similar to slavery continue to happen. Setting aside the squeamishness I feel at even considering the notion, it does make for an interesting thought experiment: if you could literally, actually sell yourself to me as a slave for the ‘lies’ Tumblr URL, would I consider taking it?

What would one do with a slave? I guess it would basically be like having an unpaid personal assistant. Or I could hire you out to perform certain kinds of work, and collect the money you earn and keep it for myself. Of course, I’d have to spend a certain amount to keep you alive, too, so you could go on earning money for me.

Hm. Do you have useful job skills? Do you have a job currently? How much do you make? I know the job market is really tough these days. Even people with college degrees have a really hard time finding gainful employment.

please be nice

This part hits home. Is it mean of me to write these involved, rambling responses to URL requests? I don’t want to be a mean person. I feel a certain obligation to be nice to URL suitors, even when they don’t explicitly ask me to, as you have. By asking for the URL, you make me feel like I possess something valuable. You give me the opportunity to feel important, at least in this small, lame way. I want to be nice to you. I feel sympathetic toward you.

im a very active blog and i’ll take care of it

I’m sure you would. It wouldn’t be the same, though. I just took a look at your blog, and I’m kind of fascinated by it, and more, by the differences between your own idea of what a blog should be and my own.

Still, it means a lot to me that you’d take care of the URL. If it ended up that I did give the ‘lies’ Tumblr URL to you, that would give me a lot of comfort. Thank you for that.

But no, I think I’ll keep it for myself for now. But thank you for asking so nicely!

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