alwayspapadouche: These people announcing my business across the waiting room “Yeah, Ms. Patchen’s…


These people announcing my business across the waiting room

“Yeah, Ms. Patchen’s waiting on a pregnancy test.” Like. HUSH. I’m with my GRANDMA.

I know it sucks, but it makes for a funny story at a distance.

I have a cold, and the robitussin is making me loopy and a little chatty. Long dumb true story after a cut.

When we moved to the ski resort in the mountains, on our first trip to Vons my wife and I were going up and down the aisles, and we were out of condoms, so I grabbed a box. And I don’t know; I was trying to be economical by buying in bulk, or maybe I was just being optimistic about how much sex we were going to be having, but I bought the jumbo economy-size box.

And the thing is, I’ve always been a pretty self-conscious sort of person, and just buying condoms (which hadn’t become quite as much a societally overlooked/normalized kind of thing when I started doing it as it is today, given that my own condom-buying began pre-AIDS-crisis) is the kind of thing that could make me feel pretty embarrassed. Which is silly, I realize.

I suspect I was emboldened by the fact that even though we’d moved to what I’d come to realize was a pretty small town where everyone was up in everyone else’s business, it was literally our first day, and we didn’t know anyone (well, except the family friend who’d also been our realtor in buying the condo), so it wasn’t like we were going to run into an acquaintance. And I was already embarrassed, so I might as well get the giant box and save on future embarrassment, is probably what I was thinking.

And then, seconds later, we ran into her: the family friend/realtor, doing her own shopping. So we had to stop and chat, and I swear her eyebrows went up a notch when she casually glanced into our cart.

So there was that.

But then (and this is the real reason I thought of it after reading your story) we were in the check-out line, and for some reason the check-out lady had trouble scanning the condoms. So after she’d stared at them for what felt like a really long time, she got on the store-wide PA to ask for a price-check, specifying brand and size.

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