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Sunday, March 31, 1996

The Little General Wants You!

Yes! We have Ross Perot to kick around again.

"Moderates are just liberals in denial"
- Rush Limbaugh

Rather than risk entering the People's Republic of California though a "Fruit Inspection Station" (we both know these are really conservative brain checkpoints), I flew down to Mexico. There, I hired a coyote to smuggle me though "The Paisley Curtain." With my conservative brain still intact, I will be able to continue my coverage of this savage struggle for the presidency.


The Republicans' three ring circus came to the West last week - but mostly it just came to California.

Dole is in the center ring doing his high-wire act on the ground. Somehow this impresses the locals, who give him 165 delegates. Bob, in a manner reminiscent of the confusion over the 2000 vs. 2001 century change, is celebrating winning more than 996 delegates (again).

Buchanan is in the right ring doing his talk radio thing. He's killing Dole in the ratings but getting no delegates. Pat, in a surprising move, has rushed off to Montana to campaign for the votes of seven "freemen" militia members currently in a standoff with the FBI. A short firefight broke out after Clinton called the freemen and told them he felt their pain.

Keyes may be in the left ring, but nobody can see him. Twenty clowns pour out of a tiny flower-decorated VW and search for him. Rumor has it he's been locked up in Dallas for continuing to attack a panelist from the Dallas debate after the show was over. [Editor's note: This libelous allegation has not been confirmed and should be ignored.]

Nevada always rolls out the red carpet for big spenders and Forbes was no exception. They gave Steve 20% of the vote even though he's dropped out of the race. Dole got 52% for war injuries and Buchanan walked away with 17% after impaling a roulette table with his pitchfork. Later, Pat got drunk and tipped a cocktail waitress $1000 but the polls had already closed.

Bill Gates wrapped a cloud of secrecy around the results coming out of Washington. He said, "a candidate cannot be certified without passing a Windows 95 beta test." Leaks from the beta testers suggest Dole 65%, Buchanan 16%.


Now that Carville has decided to unofficially start the Clinton campaign (I'm looking at six wire service stories telling me what a great job Clinton is doing overseas and two attack pieces on Dole), it is time to consider the Dole versus Clinton race.

The basic polls have Clinton edging out Dole in a head-to-head race. Other polls suggest Clinton is carrying a lot of negatives. But this isn't going to be a two-man race.

Buchanan is going to lock his teeth on Dole's ankle and get dragged to the Republican convention, but I don't think he'll start a third party.

Perot appeared on Larry King Live and told the small listening audience, "Larry, it's not about me." Well Ross, you lying bag of Texas manure, yes, it is about you. After determining all other possible candidates fall short, you will decide you're the only man suitable to run for your party.

Ralph Nader is on the ticket in California. He could pull 7% of the vote from Clinton. Watch for "Nader for President" ads paid for by the Republican party. If Clinton can't take California, he can't get the electoral votes to win this thing.

Pat Paulsen, Woozle and a handful of other loonies are also running but I don't think they will be a factor. On the other hand, I see some possible third-party candidates that the mainstream media has missed:

The Affirmative Action or Death Party: Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan (now there's a dream team), will show up in Chicago. The ghost of Mayor Daley will demand chaos.

The People's Party of China: Premier Li Peng and Vice Premier Deng Xiaoping can run on the Lincoln platform of preserving the nation. "Taiwan is a civil war and Tian Anmen Square was no worse than the 1968 Chicago Democratic National Convention."

The Cuban Liberation Front: Castro tosses his hat into the ring. Campaign slogan, "Making the skies safe for military aircraft." He could show Buchanan a thing or two about closing borders.

Haiti's Me-Too Party: Haitian President Rene Preval, Aristide share the ticket campaigning on a platform of "Why settle for drive-by killings when you can have home delivery?"

The Hamas Blow Your Ass to Hell Party: Hamas leader Ahmed Yassin was unavailable for an interview. They'll run on their track record of furthering the Middle East peace process. Campaign slogan: "A bomb in very car and two cars in very garage."

The Bosnia Peace Party: The UN campaign slogan could be "make love not war." I didn't think love and rape were the same thing but hey, it's Clinton's war.

The Whitewater Reform Party: New, improved, and comes in three great flavors - committee, grand jury, and trial.

After reviewing this pathetic bunch of losers, I feel compelled to enter my own candidate. I've hired a voodoo witch doctor. We're going to dig up Nixon and run him as an independent.


I could go off into left field, no make that right field, and start ranting about my new ISP, my old scum-sucking ISP, my "thinks I'm crazy, dangerous, and should be locked up" editor, my dog that wants to be let out again, god-awful stinking Oscar night, the fat women with 123 items in the express checkout lane, TV reruns, Star Trek: The Last Generation that just won't go away, a bunch of losers whose mothers should have aborted them rather than let them run for office, or the kids drinking my beer but no, as important as these issues may seem, we must keep focused. The issue we must address is "the informed voter."

They'll all talking about it, the TV talking heads, the newspapers, all the media swine are talking about it. They're saying, "Isn't it terrible?" "Oh, what a shame." "My, my, the average voter just doesn't understand the issues." But it's a lie. A big fat leach-sucking lie. A lie so vile and evil it can only be used in campaigns and conspiracies.

No one wants you, me or anyone else to know anything about the candidates or the issues. The media only covers the horse race and the pundits talk in circles giving us meaningless sound bites. Who is covering this story? Who is our man in the field? Why are they keeping us in the dark and feeding us BS?

Maybe it's because they like mushrooms on their pizza but I sense something deeper here. A conspiracy? No, that's my other column. What we're facing here isn't a food fetish. No, it's fear. Yes, fear of the truth. The blinding, searing pain of morning sunlight in your eyes after an all-night drinking fest. These swine couldn't handle informed voters. If we knew all the facts about these people, we wouldn't be voting for or against them. We would be out measuring rope to string the bastards up.


Corrections to last week's column:

  1. The Dole campaign called to complain their candidate isn't senile but couldn't remember what he wanted corrected.
  2. Carville claims he is not a hick and reminded me that he knows where I live.

Next week's episode: "Kansas: Dole checks in with the wizard of OZ." or "Yes, Virgin Islands, there is a Santa Claus."

Here's one for the barbie mate:
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