new lies / old lies / whose lies

Friday, March 22, 1996

Dole Takes the Rust Belt

...and wears it like he was the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion

"We have met the enemy and they are us"
-Pogo

CLANG! They're using a fire extinguisher as a battering ram. CLANG! I've barricaded the door. "You can't stay in there forever!" That was Forbes. CLANG! This isn't about a few victory supplies. No. They're after bigger game. CLANG! With his campaign reduced to ashes, Forbes has entered a black depression. CLANG! In his delirium, he's decided that it's all my fault. CLANG! At 10,000 feet, they're afraid to shoot off the lock, so maybe I still have time to convince him it's actually all Carville's doing. CLANG! CRACK!

Busting out of the Rust Belt, the campaign train rushes on into the night. It's on the way to California with a cargo of lies.

Carville has really been running this train. It will be stopping in San Diego - but James isn't taking it to the White House. More on that later.

Dole is in first class partying with his delegates. Bob, his campaign, and the media have declared delegate-counting an inexact science. With the prospects of picking up anyone in California (anyone who can count, at least) looking pretty dim, the campaign has asked the State Department to expedite a green card for Ivan Stolichnaya, a Russian mathematician. It is claimed Dr. Stolichnaya can even explain the new math. Ivan watching the returns on CNN claims Dole is over 996 delegates.

Buchanan repeatedly sneaks into first class and waves his pitchfork in Dole's face before being shooed out. The only way Buchanan could pick up more enemies on the left is to take up smoking. Which he might do, just to drive them over the edge. If Dole's campaign had a clue they'd give Buchanan a spot at the convention, just so they could blame him for their impending defeat, the way Bush did in '92.

Forbes, having lost his grip on the caboose, is lying in an onion field in Missouri. Steve, on the advice of Kemp, has joined the legion of self-declared losers. Forbes was the last true symbol of the American taxpayer in this race. Now he'll have to go back to paying politicians to lie, cheat, and steal from him, just like everybody else.

Keyes is trying to catch the conductor and give him a speech. Alan has not been seen since Dallas. I can only assume he's still showing up at the now-cancelled debates.

Forbes, you crazed swine, quit trying to kill me and listen. I tried to warn you. Kemp told you to run on the flat tax. Kemp told you to change campaign tactics. Kemp told you to give your support to Dole. Kemp is a politician and not to be trusted - but he's not our problem now. Carville, evil personified, eater of children, is our enemy. We must light the tall grass and drive him out like the snake that he is.

Carville, you bloodthirsty bastard. We predators can sense each other. You know I'm out here but you don't know where. I can see you on TV and read your books but I'm still in the shadows. I know you'll shave down the odds before election day, but until then I'll do what I can to shore up the Republicans' sagging defense.

Mary Matalin continues to underestimate you, but I know better. You're not a great campaign strategist. You're a campaign predator. The rest of them may not know what that means - but we do, don't we?

Your wife may not know why you hang with Clinton and his gang of thieves, but I do. He's a money magnet. You can't play in the big game without money. Clinton was your chance to get out of backwater campaigns and play in the big leagues. Your chance to prove to the Washington insiders that a hick from Louisiana could beat them at their own game.

You have personally reduced the Republican party to a dottering old man looking for a liberal running mate and the poor bastards don't even know they're under attack. Looking back on the shambles of the Republican race, I see your touch everywhere:
Louisiana: Dole's campaign attacks Gramm's wife.
New Hampshire: Dole and Forbes spend millions of dollars to cut each others throats.
Arizona: The liberal media turns itself loose on Buchanan.
South Carolina: The entire South is handed to Dole on a platter.

Getting Buchanan out of this race was a good move, but how are you going to deal with the right wing endorsing Clinton on the basis of his "Ronald Reagan" positions? By the time I'm finished the militia groups and ring-wing conspiracy nuts will be backing "Slick Willie." What's that going to do to your liberal hard core? Send them running to Ralph Nader and the Green party?

I'll sell Dole as a closet liberal. Perot's going to pick up Buchanan's pitchfork mob anyway. You've already lit that fuse. After Farrakhan and Jesse Jackson disrupt the Democratic convention in Chicago, Dole will be able to welcome the moderates with open arms like Nixon in 1968.

How'd you like the way I subscribed you and your cronies to every mailing list on the Internet? Wait a minute. No, I didn't do that. Uh, someone else did. Yeah, that's the ticket. Mary Matalin did it.

Carville wants a short, intense battle. He runs his campaign like light cavalry. Slash in and out quickly and don't stop to smell the daisies. The Republicans must attack Clinton now. Draw him into a long, drawn-out siege.

I do have to agree with Carville on one issue. The government has done both good and bad. Much like a serial killer who stalks politicians, lawyers, and the swine who sell used cars.

Time magazine, fearing it would miss a scoop on the never-ending saga of Whitewater, put out a hit piece on Hillary Clinton. Using techniques normally reserved for slamming right-wing conservatives, Time ran an article by James B. Stewart based on his new book Bloodsport. Revealing a portrait of greed, corruption, and deceit, Stewart follows the trail of this scandal into the dark heart of the beast now known as Whitewater. Time also followed up with a piece about Vincent Foster that never used the word "suicide."

When the Clintonista's liberal lapdogs in the media turn on them, you know they're in trouble. It's a good thing people only buy the New York Times' bestsellers for their coffee tables and not to read them. If people actually read the stories about the Clinton campaign, the president and her husband would be in deep doodoo.

This quote was worth stealing from the San Jose Mercury News:

"I don't give a damn what the message is. For all I care, you can go out and say you're for UFO's. Just say you're for something."
- Senator Al D'Amato, to Bob Dole

Corrections to last week's column:

1. Keyes' campaign admits he did try eating a liberal once, but maintains he didn't swallow.
2. An astute reader noticed that the list of adjectives in front of Buchanan name seemed a bit short. This is true. I didn't feel it was fair to quote from personal death threats or foreign newspapers. Foreign nations should have to pay a tariff to import jokes about our politicians.

Next week's episode: "California: Surf's up for Dole" or "Buchanan skies Utah."

On Monday, March 18, c|net online launched a new site called search.com. Yes, of course this is hype, but I have a $1500 IRS bill to pay.

The Web Walker

http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker

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