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Saturday, May 4, 1996

Clinton in '96

The twisted tale of why Clinton must be reelected

"There's a sucker born every minute."
- Phineas Taylor Barnum

Excuse me. I'm in the middle of packing for my move to Montana. I've received a government grant to determine if the extreme isolation and cold of Montana turns people into anti-government extremists or if it just attracts those types. Let me tell you how I came to be in possession of this fine reelection windfall.

That shameless Carville wanted to bet me 50 bucks I wouldn't vote for Clinton. $50 is about seven 12-packs of beer. If Clinton is reelected, he'll be in office at least a year. Less than 100 beers for more than 300 days doesn't strike me as much of a deal.

Besides, I haven't been able to support a liberal president since Johnson. When he declared the "War on Poverty" I told him I was ready to help. "Mr. President, my AK-47 is locked and loaded. Where do you want me to start?" The bastard's answer was to send the Secret Service after my ass.

I still owe one to G. Gordon Liddy for bailing me out of that mess.

Me: "Carville, you low-life scum-sucker. You think I'd vote for Bunker Bill, the man who closed Pennsylvania Avenue, the most dangerous president since Nixon, for a lousy $50?"

Carville: "OK, I'll get you a government grant."

A government grant is better than a million dollars. I won't have to rat out the Unabomber after all. I can let his brother do it.

Now that I'm sucking on the public tit, I have a vested interest in seeing that the Clintonistas remain in power. How do I reconcile reelecting a pair of Socialist hippies with the freedom that comes from taking government money?

After careful review of the President's State of the Union speech and the current wire service news, I see that President Clinton has completely abandoned his liberal positions. He's going to put an end to his era of big government. He's proposed a budget to reduce the national debt, starve orphans and widows, poison the water and air, and give tax breaks to special interest groups. What more could a right-wing anti-government extremist want?

President Clinton has engaged in arms deals with Iran to supply weapons to Bosnian Muslims. This isn't up to the standards of Nixon running a secret war, but it does qualify him to pick up the Reagan banner.

Hale's testimony at the Whitewater trial has shown us a Governor Clinton with an understanding of greed and corruption rarely seen outside New York and San Francisco. Coupled with an administration under investigation by more special prosecutors than any other in history, President Clinton has proven himself to be the caliber of man we do not want outside the Beltway. Arkansas has threatened to secede from the Union if he is returned.

So he cheats on his wife a little. Presidential elections are not about character. They're about freebies. "What can the government do for me?" If we reelect Clinton, we'll all be on the gravy train. Well, most of us. We'll let the fools that vote for Perot pay for it.

I can even forgive President Clinton's extremist position on abortion. It means he feels our pain on gun bans. He understands constitutional issues cannot be compromised.

I'm almost ready to let this bandwagon drag me through the streets by my feet - but before that gory scene can begin some issues must be addressed specifically.

Travelgate: It's the President and First Lady's right to use the FBI against anyone they want. Eat that, ACLU.

Whitewater: What's the big deal here? Bribing public officials is standard operating procedure for Arkansas businesses. It was just a loan. Students don't pay back their loans. Is anyone trying to impeach them? Who cares? All this crap happened a long time ago.

Raising taxes: It wasn't his fault. Not a single Republican supported his budget, so what could he do? Besides, taxes only went up for the rich.

Mena, Arkansas: The coroner declared all of the deaths suicide. Vince Foster will back me up on this.

Carville explains it this way: "If you're willing to give up your principles and vote for Dole because Buchanan is unelectable, why not just vote for the winner?" Does the man have a point or what? I think he should get his own radio talk show after he puts our man back in the White House.


LITTLE ROCK, AR ( - David Hale, star prosecution witness for special prosecutor Kenneth Starr, returned Whitewater to the radar screen with his testimony this week. Unfazed by alleged swindler McDougal's overzealous, politically motivated, liberal defense attorney's vicious cross-examination, Hale continued to describe liberal then-Gov. Clinton as a lying, cheating, stealing, corrupt politician who only carried Arkansas in '92 because the voters wanted him out of the state.

Hale, testifying under oath, swore Clinton pressured him to make the illegal $300,000 loan to Susan McDougal, accused of fraud. Clinton's original request for $150,000 was later doubled by alleged corrupt banker James McDougal.

Hale also made no mention of Travelgate, Iranian arms deals, the death of Vince Foster, women entering the White House while Hillary was in Bosnia, bimbos on the federal payroll, Ruby Ridge, Waco, drug shipments out of Mena, Arkansas, or any of the other numerous scandals that continue to dog this presidency.

The prosecution is expected to connect part of the loan that was transferred to Clinton's controversial campaign fund with unreported (and illegal) cash withdrawals by Neal Ainley.

Mike McCurry, White House press secretary, described the administration's position on Hale's testimony as "Liar, liar, pants on fire," but refused to comment on rumors that campaign manager James Carville is trying to buy votes for the President's reelection. McCurry did admit that the campaign slogan "Four more years, whatever it takes" had been considered.


Partial transcript from White House campaign strategy meeting:

MALE VOICE 1: "Can I call you Bubba?"

MALE VOICE 2: "Hold on, I'll ask. Hillary, can James call me Bubba?"


MALE VOICE 2: "Sorry, the boss says ixnay on the Ubbabay."

MALE VOICE 1: "OK, Mr. President - but we can't continue to control the bimbo eruptions if you keep bringing in new ones while the first lady is touring war zones."

MALE VOICE 2: "James, how many times do I have to remind you? Bosnia is a peace zone."


Corrections to last week's column:

  1. A representative for the United States Virgin Islands denied any involvement in the plot to sell the Liberty Bell to Taco Bell.
  2. An attorney for the Wizard of Oz claims they are not legally liable for houses falling in Kansas.

Next week's episode: "Daylight saving time: Illusion or Delusion?" or "Ron Brown: Prince or Prophet?"

Is it too soon to suggest an Olympics URL?

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