appropriately-inappropriate: hellomissmayhem: gaywitchesforabor…

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015







Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

what book is this?

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.

I’m so glad I’m seeing more and more Lundy Bancroft quotes on my dash because this book CHANGES THE LIVES OF ABUSE VICTIMS.

The programs run for rehabilitating abusive men through the courts? Bancroft DESIGNED THEM. His programs are replicated ALL OVER THE WORLD.
He literally wrote THE book on abuser rehabilitation.

Here’s a link to a pdf copy. If you haven’t read this book yet, read this book.

Can we talk about how it seems like the entirety of the book is online on PDF, this making it accessible to anyone with an internet connection?

That is how we stop abuse.

We enable everyone to know what it looks like, so that when it happens, they can shut it down.

I once worked at a company that was run by a guy who was abusive in exactly this way. He was the son of the company’s (woman) founder, and he’d basically inherited it from her, and he ran every aspect of it down to the last detail. The company employed lots of women in important roles (like the head of the department I worked in, and most of the top idea people who worked under her). And he’d hold daily meetings to review new product ideas, and people would pitch to him, and he’d shoot them down or give them the thumbs up to the next round; pretty standard stuff.

But sometimes he’d get pissed about something (a mistake, something that had cost the company money, or something along those lines), and he’d just lose it. Screaming at the top of his lungs, grabbing things and throwing them against the wall (phones were popular). You could hear it throughout the offices. Everyone knew what was happening. Everyone would be talking in hushed voices, tiptoeing around…

Two other possibly relevant facts:

In one case I was aware of he dated a woman who worked there, someone I worked with a fair amount. She was in her early 20s, just out of college; he was in his late 40s/early 50s. As far as I was aware she went into it with her eyes open and consenting, but it had a really unhealthy vibe to it, at least from my perspective.

And there was the way he drove. He had a red convertible, a high-end one, that he drove really fast. (Really, he was a walking cliché.) And it happened that he and I had the same commute, and in the morning I’d often see him, because the freeway onramp that we both took was frequently backed up, with one of those traffic control lights that would allow one car per green, though there was a carpool lane next to it that didn’t have to stop. And I’d be sitting in the line of cars inching my way up to the light, when he’d go whipping by in the carpool lane, top down and his bald head shining in the sun, not caring who saw him alone in the car, not worried about the tickets he occasionally got; it was a small price to pay for the time he was saving.

I didn’t work there long, and the sense of being part of a family with an abusive husband/father at the head of it was definitely a factor in my leaving. But for all the screaming and breaking things, the sense of entitlement he displayed in his professional and personal relationships, it was the carpool-lane violations that bugged me the most.

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Friday, August 29th, 2014

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Saturday, March 15th, 2014




Many of you already know about some of the recent events concerning various YouTube performers and allegations of sexual misconduct. When I read about this (and it seems to come and come right now), I thought, “I have nothing to add to this.” So I just watched. And was sad. And also heartened by…

You should all read what Maureen has to say here.

Adding something in passing, so people shouldn’t think Maureen is overstating the commonality of this experience for those of us who are both young and female. Have I been masturbated at by guys in cars? Oh yeah. I never talked to anybody in my grade it hadn’t happened to. First time it happened to me was when I was walking with a friend. Guy was “asking for directions”. My friend and I (a) gave him the most crap directions we could immediately think of — took a second, we were ten, so that makes this 1962 — and (b) scurried away whispering “That’s a penis? It’s the ugliest thing on Earth, I am never touching one of those when I grow up.” …Groped in the (NY) subway? Yeah, though not without collateral damage to the gropers (I had at that point been studying iaido for some months and did not need a bokken or a broomstick to do significant damage if annoyed. High heels are a wonderful weapon). Had guys try to dope my drink? Sure. Fortunately I even then knew more of the tricks than they did, having been trained by experts. Hasn’t happened for a decade or so, but I keep a careful eye on my drinks while out and about. There are predators out there who prefer older women.

…There’s more, but this should not be about me. Damn it, it’s time we were listened to about this shit.

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tasseomancer: Do you have any idea what you’ve…

Thursday, March 13th, 2014


Do you have any idea what you’ve done?

It’s probably coincidence that I came across this GIF so soon after reading an account by realhayleyghoover of her abusive relationship with YouTuber Mike Lombardo:

I told him that I wasn’t in the mood to roughhouse, and he said, “You were the one who wanted to wrestle. Let’s do it.” I laughed for a few seconds and tried to push his grip off me, but when it became apparent that he wasn’t going to put me down, I got a little more stern and told him again that I wasn’t in the mood for it. He continued to carry me around his house, throw me on the couch, and hold me down—all while I protested and asked him to leave me alone.

Lombardo was just sentenced to 5 years in prison for getting underage fans to exchange explicit images with him. This comes two years after Hank and John announced they were pulling Lombardo’s music from the DFTBA store when the investigation of his behavior first became public.

It’s probably coincidence that Hank and John just announced they were pulling the recordings of another YouTube musician, Tom Milsom, from the DFTBA store, this in the wake of the revelation of his long-term abusive relationship with an underage fan.

It’s probably coincidence that this happened at the same time as the LBD twitter revival, which had me thinking back on the whole Lydia/Wickham arc. Rachel, Mary Kate, and Wes did something important in those episodes by showing how abuse can look from the point of view of the abused, and it made me sad that Hank and Bernie Su were unwilling to follow that narrative arc to a more satisfying conclusion.

All those coincidences probably influenced how I perceive the images of Alex grabbing Emma. I still haven’t watched the episode; I stopped watching EA a while ago, when I decided that it wasn’t aimed at people like me. But looking at those GIFs, and reading some of the reactions from people I follow, make me uncomfortable.

In response to the Milsom revelations, Hank wrote:

My only consolation is that I honestly believe these issues are coming to light in this community not because they are more common, but because we are more empowered to speak out and not hide from or cover them up.

Maybe that’s true. I’m sure Hank never intended that his promotion of YouTube musicians and events like Vidcon would lead to a situation in which it was easy for newly minted “stars” to take advantage of naive young fans. He wanted to build a community. He wanted to build something cool. And he has. But along with the freedom to make new sorts of connections between creators and fans, YouTube and the net also have created the opportunity for people to reveal themselves as the sometimes disappointing individuals they are.

I don’t like Emma Approved’s relentless product placement and affiliate promotion, even though Bernie Su represents it as a success. It feels to me like the show’s creators are exploiting their young female audience for revenue, while being unconcerned about giving them an intelligent story and believable characters. I realize that’s a completely different kind of exploitation than what Lombardo and Milsom did. I realize it’s no different than what Hollywood has done for decades. But it still feels disappointing. Just as it feels disappointing to me for a sympathetic male character to be shown physically overpowering a female character against her will, without the act being flagged as an unacceptable violation.

I’m glad I got to see LBD. I’m glad some of the people behind it are finding success building an entertainment format that is financially viable, even if it’s a format that doesn’t appeal to me. But what makes me really happy is that other people have been able to take LBD’s example and extend it in a different direction, fulfilling the promise that LBD embodied.

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