As I mentioned, I recently wrote to years-past lies.com contributor The Web Walker, inviting him to enlighten us once again with his take on current events. True conservative that he is, he (so far) has chosen to pass on this newfangled weblog thing, but he did send along an article that he said I could post on the site. So follow the link below, or scroll down, for the first Web Walker contribution to lies.com since 1996 (!).

I’ll Be Back!

A twisted tale without heroes

“Who will you believe? Me or your own lying eyes?”

– Mohammad Said al-Sahhaf, the Iraqi Information Minister known as Baghdad Bob

It started off a typical Wednesday afternoon. Rush Limbaugh had finished giving the day’s marching orders. My fangs were drooling in anticipation of Ann Coulter’s weekly vivisection of the Left. The TV was tuned to the Fox News Channel for the latest war propaganda and updates about dead pregnant women and Democrats blamed for missing interns. Atypical injected himself into the day during the ritual pruning of the email.

Spam, spam, more spam; then nestled between a conspiracy update from Rupert Murdoch (suppression of liberal views in the media continues unabated) and Dick Cheney asking advice on what to order Bush to do (Nuke Syria?), there it was, the disruption of my routine, a missive from the Commissar of Lies.com.

A request to come out of retirement or as the email put it, “devote more attention to exposing lies on the left.” What the commissar was much too polite to say was “the hate mail is pathetic, does anyone on the Right have a brain that hasn’t been gnawed by jumbo gerbils?”

Before I get down to the serious business of exposing the Left (not that some naked anti-war protestors haven’t done that on their own), a word to wannabe hate mail writers. If you can’t come up with ingenious tortures using recycled bacon fat, new ways to attach electrodes or at least lament the way electronic publishing has deprived your parrot of cage liner and yourself of toilet paper, don’t waste people’s time. And a personal note to the pitiful soul who continues to write, “Get a life.” It was original exactly once. The other 3,141,592.6 times is mucho desesperado.

Why shouldn’t the anti-war crowd have some fun and sun? They had to spend eight years of the Clinton administration hiding in the dark, playing the Three Monkeys, “hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil.” Those were the days. There wasn’t a war from the Caribbean to Europe they couldn’t support.

Where is the appreciation? Look at the consideration the Republicans have given the people who defecate in the streets of San Francisco? It’s another war with Iraq. It’s another president named Bush. The anarchists didn’t even have to make new signs.

Anarchists? Show of hands, who was at the protest just to get laid? Didn’t anyone notice the guys handing out signs? They wear helmets and 32 layers of clothes. They throw bricks not flash peace signs. They talk about ending capitalism not ending war. Yeah, those guys. As an anti-war protestor from another era explained, “the A.N.S.W.E.R., my friend, is blowing in the wind.”

Speaking of breaking like the wind, what’s the deal with Weapons of Mass Destruction? The UN inspectors spent 12 years looking for WMD and the Left demanded more time. The Coalition Forces haven’t spent 12 weeks and the Left has run out of patience. Is this yet another example of Liberal Progressivism?

Corrects to last week’s column:

1. “Cheese eating surrender monkeys” should have read, “Truffle-snorting, backstabbing cowards.”
2. Tom Daschle does have eyebrows and he didn’t steal them from Dick Gephardt.
3. Yasser Arafat was referred to as “President of Palestinian Council” rather than his official title, “Death to All Jews.”

Tune in for next week’s episode, “John McLaughlin and Eleanor Clift: Love at First Slight” or “From Russia with Sanctions.”

This entry was posted by jbc on Friday, May 2nd, 2003 at 10:47 am and is filed under net.kooks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.