Philip Morris Enters Federal Witness Protection Program

Seeking to shield itself from the negative public image it has garnered by profiting from the hacking, wheezing deaths of millions, cigarette giant Philip Morris changed its name yesterday. The new name, “Altria,” was chosen to convey the healthful, noble pursuit of the highest ideals possible, or, in other words, the exact opposite of what the company actually does. A new logo was also chosen, and appropriately, the firm went with a fuzzy, pixellated square reminiscent of nothing so much as the obscuring technology used in courtroom TV to conceal the identity of testifying criminals. Cool.

5 Responses to “Philip Morris Enters Federal Witness Protection Program”

  1. freak Says:




  3. Joel Taylor,,,Alias Says:

    I am a federal witness. The progam is a hoax.Feds did their best to keep me out of it.Offered no protection at all.I worked almost 3 years in deep cover for them.I stopped the bombing of 2 major dams,the total destruction of an entire town,jail, courthouse,everything.Nothing was to be left standing.They were going to use amonia nitrate in rental trucks.This was before OK City.Truman Lake,and Bagnal dams in Missouri were to be bombed.The bad guys were planning the theft of micro nuclear weapons,People did die in this operation.I am probably next soon.Only luck and God has kept me alive so far. They have put Bombs on my truck,shot a me several times,cut my break lines.My luck will run out some day.The Feds SUCK. The Dams can still be Blown ,no real protection is there.Feds Don’t,won’t listen…My advice, from someone who has been there ,is stay away from the feds and the state police and no mater what they promise you,it is all the way ,they gave me $300.00. an told me to watch my back. Be careful they will promise you lots of money,witness protection,anything to get you to do their dirty work and leave you and your family to die alone.I live it EVERY DAY.Think of your family first.You sure don’t want to be in my shoes.I have been living like this for almost ten years.It’s hell.Good luck.

  4. joe Says:

    I am doing a report for school and i need info about the whitness protection program and i would like to know if you can pleas help me pleas send any info to my s/n at

  5. joe Says:

    thank u

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